Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
