I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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