i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
