I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
