fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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