life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
