So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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