I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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