i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
