I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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