Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
