Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
