Welp...herpes.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
