How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
