Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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