we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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