You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
