1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
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I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far