she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
