I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My penis needs a shock collar
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
