yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Can I color on your dick again?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
