There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
