stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
