1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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