Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
