sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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