I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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