I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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