11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
