I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
