Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We had to coat check the pizza.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
