wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
