erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
