No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
