Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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