Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
