I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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