So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
