I wish my penis had an off switch
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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