Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
