I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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