i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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