I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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