Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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