You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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