youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
