True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
