so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
