You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
