I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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