you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
