I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
