If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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