My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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