You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
