took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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