strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
