you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
