she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
