That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
