I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
